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Author Name: FreeRawice 0 Comments
Date Added: August 25, 2019 12:08:39 Average Score: (Needs 2)
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Type: Short Story
Category: Humor Add To Favorites | Text Only
My Stand Up Comedy Set

My name is Royce I'm an older Comedian. I am almost 80

I'm so old my Social Security number is in Roman Numerals and my blood type is discontinued

I'm so old that I know the name of the first guy who had a tablet that connected with the cloud. His name was Mosses.

I come from a screwed up family. My Mother was Catholic and my Father was Jewish. My Mother would make me go to confession my Dad being Jewish would make me take a Layer.

I volunteer at a place in Jupiter Called El Sol, where they help Immigrants  learn English and help them get jobs. I was at the time the Job Developer and found a Guatemalan  guy a job as a Busboy at a Restaurant. On the second day after the morning breakfast rush a woman started to choke on a piece of Bacon. The waiter patted her on the back and gave her some water, but she continued to choke. The Busboy jumped into action. He placed the woman over the back of her chair. lifted her dress pulled her panties down and ran his tongs up the crack of her ass. She lurched forward and spit out the Bacon. The owner at this point rushed over asking what was that. The Guatemalan busboy said.... It OK Boss I read in book if some one is choking you have to do The Hinny lick Maneuver . 

Do you know what’s the technical name for a pot of coffee at work?     A: Break fluid

I did not release I was getting old until one morning while getting coffee I looked

at the Coffee can and realized it was Pre- Colombian. There was also an old  Jar of Instant Coffee that was freeze dried. and still made drinkable coffee. I'm starting to look into the possibility of having  myself freeze dried instead of cremated.

I then realized I had thrown away my old alarm clock and was allowing  my bladder

to awake me up at 6 am each morning.

I also discovered that my teeth and I no longer slept  together.

I also could not wash off the brown spots on my arms,

The only reason I would take up Jogging is so I could hear Heavy breathing again.

At my age the only thing that gets hard is my arteries.

I also noticed that on my birthday the candles cost more than the cake.

For me getting lucky these days is finding my car in the parking lot

My Grand kids think I'm old because I was born before the Internet

But i demand respect from them  when I explain I graduated school with out Google

I have discovered that sex is like playing Bridge. If you don't have a good partner then you better have a good hand.

A friend found an ad in the back of a Magazine where he could order Olympic Condoms in Olympic colors . When they arrived he told his wife Tonight I'm going to wear my Gold Condom His wife said. Why not wear your Silver Condom and come

second for a change.

I'm also at an age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. Yes in fact I just installed a mirror over my dining room table.

I now only eat processed foods because I need all the preservatives  I can absorb

I don't eat natural foods since reading that 80% of the population die from natural causes.        Having a conversation with friends my age is impossible. I don't have a Doctor nor do I take any drugs and all they want to talk about is there Doctor visits and the drugs they are taking or there bowl movements.

 Are  you getting old well here are some signs. The brown spots on your arms will not wash off, When your back goes out more than you do and happy hour is a nap. O r your address book has only names and numbers of  your Doctors, Or when you find it takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. Or you think your a patient  person but in fact you no longer give a dam.   There are lots of signs in your life, My wife points them out to me all the time. One day she gave my oldest  black suit to a thrift store and some kid showed up wearing it on Halloween  night dressed as All Capone.

Why do man twist their wedding ring on his finger?

He’s trying to figure out the combination.

I tell my waitress at lunch my newest joke each day. One day she pulled a joke on me. After ordering soup she gave me my soup with pennies in it "What are these pennies doing in my soup?”

She walked over and whispered, "You said you would stop eating here if there wasn't  some change in the food.”

Author's Notes:
If you have read my bio you may have seen that I do poen Mike Stand Up Comedy. This is my old standby set that still gets a laugh or two from older people.
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'My Stand Up Comedy Set' Copyright © Royce Emley
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