name is Royce I'm an older Comedian. I am almost 80
I'm so old my
Social Security number is in Roman Numerals and my blood type is discontinued
so old that I know the name of the first guy who had a tablet that connected
with the cloud. His name was Mosses.
come from a screwed up family. My Mother was Catholic and my Father was Jewish.
My Mother would make me go to confession my Dad being Jewish would make me take
volunteer at a place in Jupiter Called El Sol, where they help Immigrants learn English and help them get jobs. I was at
the time the Job Developer and found a Guatemalan guy a job as a Busboy at a Restaurant. On the
second day after the morning breakfast rush a woman started to choke on a piece
of Bacon. The waiter patted her on the back and gave her some water, but she
continued to choke. The Busboy jumped into action. He placed the woman over the
back of her chair. lifted her dress pulled her panties down and ran his tongs
up the crack of her ass. She lurched forward and spit out the Bacon. The owner
at this point rushed over asking what was that. The Guatemalan busboy said....
It OK Boss I read in book if some one is choking you have to do The Hinny lick
Do you know whatâ€™s the technical name for a pot of coffee at
work? A: Break fluid
did not release I was getting old until one morning while getting coffee I
the Coffee can and realized it was Pre- Colombian. There was also an old Jar of Instant Coffee that was freeze dried.
and still made drinkable coffee. I'm starting to look into the possibility of
having myself freeze dried instead of cremated.
then realized I had thrown away my old alarm clock and was allowing my bladder
awake me up at 6 am each morning.
also discovered that my teeth and I no longer slept together.
also could not wash off the brown spots on my arms,
only reason I would take up Jogging is so I could hear Heavy breathing again.
my age the only thing that gets hard is my arteries.
also noticed that on my birthday the candles cost more than the cake.
me getting lucky these days is finding my car in the parking lot
My Grand kids think I'm old because I was born before the Internet
i demand respect from them when I
explain I graduated school with out Google
have discovered that sex is like playing Bridge. If you don't have a good
partner then you better have a good hand.
friend found an ad in the back of a Magazine where he could order Olympic
Condoms in Olympic colors . When they arrived he told his wife Tonight I'm
going to wear my Gold Condom His wife said. Why not wear your Silver Condom and
for a change.
also at an age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. Yes in fact I
just installed a mirror over my dining room table.
now only eat processed foods because I need all the preservatives I can absorb
don't eat natural foods since reading that 80% of the population die from
natural causes. Having a
conversation with friends my age is impossible. I don't have a Doctor nor do I
take any drugs and all they want to talk about is there Doctor visits and the
drugs they are taking or there bowl movements.
Are you getting old well here are some signs. The
brown spots on your arms will not wash off, When your back goes out more than
you do and happy hour is a nap. O r your address book has only names and
numbers of your Doctors, Or when you
find it takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. Or you think your a
patient person but in fact you no longer
give a dam. There are lots of signs in your life, My wife
points them out to me all the time. One day she gave my oldest black suit to a thrift store and some kid
showed up wearing it on Halloween night
dressed as All Capone.
do man twist their wedding ring on his finger?
trying to figure out the combination.
I tell my waitress at lunch my newest joke each day.
One day she pulled a joke on me. After ordering soup she gave me my soup with
pennies in it "What are these pennies doing in my soup?â€ť
She walked over and whispered, "You said you would
stop eating here if there wasn't some
change in the food.â€ť