We silently made arrows in the night
My uncle Jim and me.
Surrounded by wolves In a Ukrainian forest
We were doomed inevitably.
Last week had been quite ordinary
We caught a bus at Putney green
To go and see the Terminator
A film I’ve never seen.
But Uncle Jim had had a pint or two
And we caught the wrong bus you see
Instead of a forty two
We took the forty three.
It should have taken several minutes
But the journey lasted days
I was just a lad
And naive in many ways.
The forty three took us through Europe
Via Brussels, cologne and Budapest
We ate up all my wine gums
I like the green ones best.
So we ended up in the Ukraine
In a log cabin near a pool
I asked Uncle Jim what time the film started
He said "Shut up you bloody fool”
The wolves were howling wildly
I won’t pretend I felt secure
Uncle Jim seemed somewhat jittery
"We’re doomed” he said "for sure”.
Have you ever heard of anyone
Committing suicide with a bow and arrow?
Well Uncle Jim did! Right into his forehead
He didn’t die, but his chances seemed quite narrow.
I found a bottle of aspirin for him
Out of humanity for his awful headache
He made it worse by walking into things
Knocking the arrow deeper for Gods sake.
He died the following morning
I reclaimed the arrow then
Put a plaster on his battle scar
And slept till ten PM.
Well I woke up feeling hungry
No food was to be found
I searched each little cupboard
And looked carefully around.
So I ate Uncle Jim!
Sort of pork in ale flavoured
By virtue of the beer he’d drunk
Each mouthful carefully savoured.
You may wonder how my story ends?
I can’t really tell you more
I’m still here eating Uncle Jim
It’s keeping the wolves from the door.