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Author Name: Freeborderline_mary 1 Comments
Date Added: March 30, 2012 20:03:27 Average Score: (Needs 2)
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Type: Free Verse
Category: Depression Add To Favorites | Text Only
 
Red Ink

The words―
The words leave me
Like blood from a wound.
(Who wounded me?)
Their patterned stain
Decorates the page in spatters,
Intense and stark, blazing
Against the white;
They twine, like red vines in flower,
Inkstains on my hands,
Down my hands . . .
And I have no control.
They might flow forever,
Until the flask is empty, and there are
No more.

Author's Notes:
One of my earliest poems.
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'Red Ink' Copyright © Jessica Ruth Myr
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Comments:
Comment By: PremiumDavid Turner on April 15, 2012 09:50:17 AM Report
Jessica - I think you should be less diffident in this piece. Modifying words like, 'might' or 'sometimes' or 'quite' undermine the impact of a piece. You are not on oath when you write a poem, even if you are not absolutely sure about the truth of a statement make it positive and definitive. The beginning of your poem is very strong and direct but the use of 'might' at the end really undercuts it, I would suggest writing 'will' instead. I also thought that reordering the lines about the ink stains and removing the ellipsis would flow better and express the train of thought more clearly. Something like this:-




The words

The words leave me

Like blood from a wound.

(Who wounded me?)

Their patterned stain

Decorates the page in spatters,

Intense and stark, blazing

Against the white;


Inkstains dripping down my hands,


On my fingers,


Twine, like red vines in flower,

And I have no control.

They will flow forever,

Until the flask is empty, and there are

No more.





Warm wishes,





David

















 


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