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Author Name: Freeborderline_mary 3 Comments
Date Added: March 29, 2012 18:03:59 Average Score: (Needs 2)
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Type: Rhyming
Category: Sonnet Add To Favorites | Text Only
 
I Did This

I've watched a dream decaying on the ground
Like peeling paint revealing rot beneath,
All age-marred lines and curls of pale deceit,
With blood-blots where disjointed angles meet
And flesh pulled back to bare its yellowed teeth

In death and disrepair, yet still profound;
Perspective given distance by its eyes,
A point that vanishes with its demise.
I've stretched its ruptured skin across my own.
I've sheltered in the softness of its form.
I knew it when it lived and breathed and spoke;
I wrung the blood from it until I broke;
And now I curl beside to keep it warm,
For though the dream is dead, it's not alone.

Author's Notes:
There are just things I can't believe in anymore.
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'I Did This' Copyright © Jessica Ruth Myr
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Comments:
Comment By: Freelaurel on March 30, 2012 06:36:12 PM Report
i think this could work really well as a free verse poem, when i read it the rigid structure seemed to confine it rather than help it express what you want to say and having every line end-stopped made it feel clunky like it didn't flow. i suggest try dropping the second half or last third of lines onto a new line below where it currently is taking punctuation with it but not adding in anymore and seeing what you get, whether or not its anything you feel could go somewhere. with that being said i really liked this poem overall and remember this is just my personal opinion so you can completely disregard it without a second thought, but if anything i've said is useful to you let me know :) and i hope this is detailed enough for you :)  



Laurel

Comment By: FreeJohn Armlovich on March 30, 2012 05:53:38 PM Report


Wow! talk about creative verses, I could feel the horror of it. I like it, well done,


John

Comment By: Freejamieson steele on March 30, 2012 05:24:33 AM Report

Jessica,

   Too much!

Jamieson





 


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