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Author Name: FreeTashtego57 19 Comments
Date Added: April 19, 2010 13:04:37 Average Score: (Needs 2)
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Type: Unspecified
Category: Love Add To Favorites | Text Only
 
Anticipates Her Velvet Touch

Wild expectations swallow him.

His breathing races, his heart pounds.

Each fiber aches, his nerves are raw

Anticipates her velvet touch.

 

His breathing races, his heart pounds,

his senses are overloaded.

Remembered fragrance clouds his head

and sweat beads erupt on his brow.

 

Each fiber aches, his nerves are raw

his mind replays past torrid trysts.

Arousal near peak, lust complete

With fire in his loins and his soul.

 

Anticipates her velvet touch,

powerless over emotion.

When lightning bolts into the room,

leaves all his desires satisfied.

Author's Notes:
Retourne:
Like so many other French forms, the Retourne is all about repetition. It contains four quatrains (four-line stanzas), and each line has eight syllables. The trick is that the first stanza's second line must also be the second stanza's first line, the first stanza's third line is the third stanza's first, and the first stanza's fourth line is the fourth stanza's first. Retournes do not have to rhyme.
form source: shadowpoetry.com
 
I tried this one on my own, so I can't blame it on Pamela!
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Comments:
Comment By: FreeBarbara Demasson on June 9, 2010 12:25:18 PM Report
"Anticipates" may offer the correct syllable count but it is awkward. You have done a great job of this, I commend you...however (hope to be helpful) in the future it would be wise to search for a structure that contains the correct syllable count in the line and is grammatically sound. You've given the reader a fine and delightful look at sensuality...well done Andrew! =))

~Barbara~
    

Comment By: FreeJo on May 28, 2010 03:13:14 PM Report
Whew!  Let me turn the fan my direction. 

 

Ok, really nice job.  It's steamy and full of passion, but I'd say there's something classy about it as well.  It talks about the "torrid tryst" but never crosses a line.  And the style itself looks complicated.  I'm impressed by your work. 

Comment By: FreeThe Bag Lady on May 25, 2010 11:12:52 AM Report
For cryin' out loud~!!  Am I gonna' have to call the Fire Department????  SUCH grace and tasteful style you have shown us in this masterpiece, Andrew~!!  It is absolutely mesmerizing~!!  I have tried Retourne and it is tough~!!  But, you have inspired me, my friend in words, and I will attempt it again~!!  Awesome read, Sir Poet!
Huggles.....Margaret....

Comment By: FreeMoonStar on May 13, 2010 12:36:52 AM Report
Well, well.. Looka who's gone all passion and fire on us! I say a huge Whoo Hoo and mama, where's the fire hose? This is a stunner for sure and I am now breaking the window out for a breath of air.. Nicely done me SAM, you so rock Sumba King!

 

Yea taking a break on my vacation just to answer your poem. lol

 

Huggers,

Moonie xx 

Comment By: FreeAlison Storm Wolf on May 10, 2010 02:52:15 PM Report
oops anticipating her velvet touch ;-) (don't know where I got the sweet from )
Comment By: FreeAlison Storm Wolf on May 10, 2010 02:28:51 PM Report
Hi Andrew
I feel it should read 'anticipating' her sweet touch.
The whole poem is written about the effect this mystery woman has on the writer and anticipates does not fit into the poem as its not grammatically correct.
It has the thumbs up from Pamela, so I may be mistaken but it does not look right even in the title. It is not a proper statement.
To me at least, if the word was changed to anticipating, which is saying the same thing but better grammar, the whole poem reads diffferently. This is the problem with being honest. You come to a poem with many very positive accolades and what are we meant to do? Fit in with the crowd or speak the truth? well, I speak the truth.
The poem is full of passion and puts the message over well. Also,  "arousal nears peak, lust complete"
this speaks to me of a bedroom scene where the man is on the point of no return and I wonder if that is quite the image you want to put across?
Anyway, you asked for brief so I have said too much already ;-(
Good for you for trying out new styles. I am sure I could never attempt it.
Alison x

Comment By: ModeratorJillian K. Alexis on April 29, 2010 09:12:29 PM Report
Very romantic Andrew!  Your magical pen seemed to glide effortlessly across the blank page.  Very nice write...Hugz...Jillian
Comment By: FreeAminath Agleema on April 28, 2010 10:20:15 AM Report
 I love this style as well as this striking poem. marvelous write here
Comment By: FreeHannah Mae on April 22, 2010 11:09:04 PM Report
I don't think you need to 'blame' it on anyone :) I rather like it. See? You do great flying solo :)

 

Looks like another style I'm going to have to try...

Comment By: FreeAngel Wings on April 21, 2010 12:51:02 PM Report

Wow, it made my heart pound..Wonderful write Andrew!!


Angel


Comment By: FreeTanya Harrison on April 20, 2010 08:54:02 PM Report
What an incredible poem Andrew.  You did an outstanding job.  I need a cold shower now!  I'm pulling this poem.  Thanks for sharing from your talented pen.
Comment By: FreeJennifer on April 20, 2010 09:59:03 AM Report
hey Andrew I love shadow poetry I go there and research anytime I want to give my ol' mind a challange! GOOD FOR YOU!
Now the poem ANDREW my friend you have done so well with this. Very steamy stuffs! I like your ending I am glad that he leaves desires satisfied and it wasnt he leaves the room! HA HA! I love reading your form poetry and I am so happy that you are writing so that I can enjoy your mind..... Now I just wish I could get myself out of the rut... Must be contagious, THANKS ALOT! j/k   8)

another good poem to add to your library. Thanks for sharing

jen

Comment By: FreeLeila on April 19, 2010 11:05:43 PM Report
Interesting. You are very good at writing different styles. I have learend a lot. thanks for sharing.
Comment By: FreeAngelface on April 19, 2010 08:58:47 PM Report
And thought you said you couldn't write romantic writes!! Yeah, ok.. well you could had fooled me!! You out did yourself!!

 

Angelface

Comment By: FreeLinda Jo on April 19, 2010 08:14:07 PM Report

Andrew, you said you were going back to the easy ones...well easy for you at least.  It reads with such ease but offers a few skipped beats to the palpatating heart...♥   this was just the most wonderful love poem...now let's hear you record it for us...please


Comment By: FreeCindy Bendel on April 19, 2010 03:09:56 PM Report
Exquisite....you are a pro! 
Pam has a honor student on her hands in you! 
Loved this one, going to my faves.
~Cindy

Comment By: FreePamela A. Lamppa on April 19, 2010 02:34:10 PM Report
Well well well.
A hot and sassy retourne.  Nice work.
Contest - is excellent.
Nice flow too.
Made me want to read this - feel the anticipation - and enjoy it. *wink*
Well done. ~Pamela
Comment By: FreesHeRi on April 19, 2010 02:19:22 PM Report
I have that effect on people...lol

Nah just kidding ANdrew-on the serious side. This piece is incredible and so so challenging. You are getting so good at these. Just to stay conformed to the rules is difficult,yet the story it tells is wonderful and full of excitment. I can see your brow full of sweat and hear your heart pound from here. Thats how good it was.

 

Bravo-

Sheri

Comment By: PremiumHOPE on April 19, 2010 02:18:24 PM Report
Andrew,

A beautiful sensual poem.

 





 


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