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Author Name: FreeTashtego57 36 Comments
Date Added: November 18, 2009 16:11:18 Average Score: (Needs 2)
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Category: Humor Add To Favorites | Text Only
 
"Ode to the Kama Sutra"

The spirit is still willing

And the longing still there

But to join our bodies is scarce

And the source of recurring despair.

 

So to the book shop I go and

Slink down the self-help aisle.

In search for fire to be found on paper.

Finding it, I stop and shop for a while.

 

“The Joys of the Kama Sutra”

Is the tempting title of this work.

Drawn in by vivid pictures,

I feel I’ll soon go berserk.

 

Thirty-nine ninety-five says the tag

But it’s really not too high a price.

So I flex my trusty red plastic card

And rush home to indulge a new vice.

 

“The Kama Sutra offers all manner of challenging positions

That give both partners a dual responsibility for

Equal satisfaction.  Explore them and

Find out for yourself.” 

 

So after dinner, wine and hot tub

To my love, my thoughts I then broach.

A glint in her eye, her surprise is most surprising

But she gives me no reproach.

 

Still she says she’s feeling so relaxed.

In fact she’s most receptive.

“Put that book away now” she says

“And go get the contraceptive.”

 

Not so fast my love, time to take it slow

Much thought (and cash) invested.

There must be something to this art of love.

Each theory must be tested!

 

The Kshudgaga Position

“She sits with raised thighs,

Her feet placed either side of your waist;

Linga enters Yoni;

You rain hard blows on her body.”

 

So off we go, crawl onto my lap

And that goes there – please don’t hustle.

But wait, I don’t think that is quite right.

My God, did you pull a muscle?

 

Well, that didn’t work, let’s try again

Maybe I need to slow down.

And I rifle through the shiny pages

Hmmm, standing up? Don’t want to look the clown.

 

The Dvitala Position

“If you lean back to a wall

And she, clinging to your neck,

Places both feet in your palms

And thus makes love.”

 

Wait a sec, can folks do that?

It seems a bit demanding.

But hey, there’s color picture there

And yeah, they both are standing.

 

Try we do, but then something else snaps

And my motions grow pathetic.

Back to the book – let’s try behind

For this ones  for lovers athletic.

 

The Gardabha Position

“When, with lotus feet

Set well apart, she bends

Placing a hand upon each thigh

And you take her from behind.”

 

Okay, this seems more manageable and

Now all things come alive.

But there she bends at five-foot-two

While I stand six-foot-five!

 

But undeterred I must push on

So back to the book I go.

There’s lots with me atop it seems.

Maybe that goes with the flow.

 

The Uthkanta Position

“Lift the lady’s feet until her soles

Lie perfectly parallel,

One to each side of her slender throat,

Cup and enjoy her.”

 

What this mean? Each side of her throat?

Do I love her or her neck strangle?

I look back at the book and scratch my head.

I don’t think that’s a possible angle.

 

Then a hear a soft sigh, my eyes up from the book

There she lays, the sheets in a heap.

Oh crap, I’ve gone and done it again.

My lady is fast asleep.

Author's Notes:
There are a lot of advantages to growing older - this isn't one of them.
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Comments:
Comment By: FreeMichelle on June 14, 2010 05:33:08 PM Report
Oh wow, that was just too funny! And you really shouldn't even worry, I am still young and agile, and that book is impossible. I would say more comical than sensual any day :) Congratulations on your FP award for this all-too hilarious and entertaining write.

 

Shell

Comment By: FreeColeman Demiurge on March 22, 2010 03:17:59 AM Report
I haven't read any of the Kama Sutra recently (it tends to make me cry), and your poem here is probably going to assure that it stays that way for quite some time to come, which is definitely a good thing... Very amusing and enjoyable - your poem that is. Well deserving of its Featured Poem Award indeed!

Excellent work. ;)
Comment By: PremiumHOPE on March 15, 2010 10:23:30 PM Report
This was very enjoyable and well written.  It made me laugh and smile.
Tinadee

Comment By: TrialKathy on March 15, 2010 05:08:35 AM Report
I loved this poem, it's very well written and manages to be interesting without going into a great amount of detail about the act of Karma Sutra itself.

  Plus the ending is very good and was not one I was expecting.

 

Excellent poem!

Comment By: FreeJo on February 4, 2010 11:03:29 AM Report
Ha! Very funny.  And I needed a giggle today.  The things we do to keep passion alive!  Very good job on the poem.  Its nice to read something with some real personality which is both fun and well written.   
Comment By: FreeWith pain comes strength on January 26, 2010 05:56:31 PM Report
Hehehe! Oh i really enjoyed this one, soooo funny and sweet lol a really good write, think that this is actually the only poem i have ever read and giggled out loud!! Very good write and a well deserved award

 

;O)

 

Nik

Comment By: FreeThomas Heath on January 15, 2010 02:21:38 PM Report
This is a very good piece. I do not get how this is an ode? (i do not really understand the stucture of an ode, so don't be offended by my ignorance)   But to me it doesn't look like one? Despite if it is or not,   it is very good. well done keep writting!
Comment By: FreeSteve on January 12, 2010 03:08:43 PM Report

Congratulations on a well deserved award.  Laughter is the sun that shines on our life. 


Comment By: FreeNataly Hachem on January 11, 2010 03:28:11 PM Report
This is really funny! You made me laugh for the first time today and put me in a good mood. Don't underestimate yourself, you're a good writer. Congratulations on the award!
Nataly
Comment By: FreePamela A. Lamppa on January 7, 2010 02:38:10 PM Report
Very pleased to see an award recognizing this excellent piece.  Well done and congratulations sir. **hug** ~Pamela
Comment By: FreeRachel on January 7, 2010 01:48:29 PM Report
LOL! Great poem, very entertaining and well wrote. I certainly see why it won an award. I will have to read more of your poems. =) 
Comment By: FreeHunter on January 6, 2010 12:07:22 AM Report
hahahah heeeeeey  that was fun!!)))) as it Category: Humor I will not write about training body plasticity =D ...funny and sad  but  end was nice ^^
Comment By: FreeAnastacia on December 29, 2009 02:39:26 PM Report
This was very well put together. Love the imagery you allow and the humor, its refreshing. I really enjoyed this....  :-)
Comment By: FreeElla on December 19, 2009 07:22:39 PM Report
ha ha ha, there you go, too much focus on the technique and too little on the glint never get you all the way... ;)


Comment By: FreeRoger Bacon on December 17, 2009 10:39:02 AM Report
Congratulations on your award.  Well deserved!
Comment By: FreeMujtaba H Zaidi on December 16, 2009 08:06:34 AM Report
Please accept my heartiest congradulations dear sir on winning the AWARD against the informative poem you skillfully created. I know these are Hindi words, narrating sex positions....lol
Comment By: PremiumDavid Turner on December 15, 2009 07:31:18 PM Report
Excellent Andrew - O wellit's god exercise if nothing else!

 

David

Comment By: Freeb w mayer on December 15, 2009 05:53:46 PM Report
Congratulations...well done.
Comment By: FreeBarbara Demasson on December 14, 2009 02:43:17 PM Report
Now look at this...you get an award for trying all those athletic moves. I'm sure all it takes is a hundred or so odd times of practise and it should seem reasonably comfortable then. ((no, I'm not promoting the book...just want you to get your money's worth)) Congratulations on the FP award...this was incredibly funny...you delivered this quite naturally I'm sure.Although that book is a big seller I'm sure the majority of purchasers use them for door stops. Way to go Andrew!! =))

 

~Barbara~ *questioning the "hard blows on her body" in the The Kshudgaga Position *

Comment By: FreeTanya Harrison on December 14, 2009 01:17:14 PM Report
Congratulations Andrew!  I'm so happy for you.  This was a very creative and most interesting poem that was truly deserving of this award. I'll be looking forward to reading more of your poems from your teepee. 
Comment By: FreeLady Dragonwyck on December 14, 2009 09:45:58 AM Report
Andrew:  congratulations for the Feature Poem Award.  

 

Lady D

Comment By: FreeLinda Jo on December 14, 2009 12:37:09 AM Report
Congratulations!!!  Your first featured award!  ...and it only cost you $39.95...I smile....
Comment By: FreeMoonStar on December 13, 2009 09:53:30 PM Report
Just saw! Whoo Hoo!!!! Congrats my friend on the win! So deserving and on such a wonderbra piece too!!!!  You go man!!!!

 

 

Moonie xx Doin woo woo's all the way...

Comment By: FreeCindy Bendel on December 13, 2009 09:21:50 PM Report
WOOO Hoooooo.....how appropriate that you should win your first featured with this one lol.
What a scream! 

Congrats Jack hahahaha
~Cindy 

Comment By: FreeBarbara Demasson on December 1, 2009 05:23:14 PM Report
Will a nice bottle of Boones Farm Wild Mountain go with that?

 

~B~

Comment By: FreeAlison Storm Wolf on November 24, 2009 12:22:11 PM Report
well you sure pushed the boat out this time!
If all else fails use the book as a pillow under her bum and hey presto...
very much enjoyed this hehehe
Ali x
Comment By: FreeJennifer on November 20, 2009 11:51:23 AM Report
well I have NEVER laughed so HARD !!! this is good!

I think the Dvitala Position is most intreguing...

LOL
My family probably thinks I am nuts as to how loud I was laughing!
Jen

 

 

Comment By: FreeBarbara Demasson on November 19, 2009 08:26:06 PM Report
OMG this is flippin' hilarious...hahaha! Whoever sketches those pictures has a vivid imagination...

I got a huge laugh out of this...what crazy fun. These positions remind me of those challenging puzzles that drive people half mad because every part has to be moved in just the right order and there is only one way to get the main part off. More frustrating than fun eh...I conclude there must be an easier way. If all this "challenging" requires muscles or patienc...I'm outta here! *lol* You've aced this Andrew...I love your sense of humor.

 

~Barbara~ *who thinks equal satisfaction means the couple both go to sleep* 

Comment By: FreeThe Bag Lady on November 19, 2009 10:36:57 AM Report
OOOOOoooooo....well, you win some and you lose some~!! lolol......Indeed, limber limbs are needed to configure like the pics~!  Your humor in this was tasteful, hilarious, and gives us new thought about impulse buying at $39.95~!!....But, hey----it's the thought that counts...Thanks for giving us a great laugh, Andrew~!.....Huggles, Margaret.....a Baglady who is not a THAT athletic~!
Comment By: FreeCindy Bendel on November 18, 2009 09:14:01 PM Report
You should of bought the Kama Sutra for Beginners dear hahahahahahahah.
Priceless. 
~cyn cyn

Comment By: FreePamela A. Lamppa on November 18, 2009 08:39:03 PM Report
Chuckling ... Well, it's never too late to try something new.  Sure do understand the need for younger limbs though.  Truly entertaining. ~Pamela
Comment By: FreeTanya Harrison on November 18, 2009 08:21:46 PM Report

Maybe work-out the kinks with a blow-up dummy first...Very creative piece.


Comment By: FreeLady Dragonwyck on November 18, 2009 06:33:13 PM Report

Andrew:  oh to be that young and agile....


Lady D


Comment By: FreeShe Whispers on November 18, 2009 05:58:12 PM Report
Andrew,
 My good I am still laughing what have you done??
now she  is asleep?? Something is wrong with this pictures..
 Your awesome ....

Comment By: FreeMoonStar on November 18, 2009 05:16:04 PM Report
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. OMG!! You have no clue on how much I needed that laugh!! I could hug ya, I really could!

 

This was a joy to read. Positions! LOl Heck what am I laughing at, i had a book almost like that?

You brought this forth in such a delightful way that I am still smiling...

 

Hey, pssst. can I borrow the book??? lol

 

Moonie xx

Comment By: FreeGlata on November 18, 2009 05:08:08 PM Report
LMAO! This one, I confess, had me howling! People walking by the desk look at me like I've lost it...and chances are...I probably have!

I was gifted with one of these books once...and I found it to be quite interesting to look at, but totally impossible to re-create! What ARE those people...Gumbi's????

Thanks for a side-splitting laugh...

Glata





 


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