It was 5:00 Friday afternoon, I cashed me paycheck and was off to the Shamrock Pub. As I walked in I saw all the usual suspects, including me cousin Packy, I shouted out to him, “how’s things?”
“I can’t complain Connor”, Packy said back as he was walking toward me.
I responded, “Sure, who would listen if you did,” and gave Packy a big hug.
“Well, certainly not me wife or the Pope, that’s for sure.” Did you talk to your sister Colleen for me?”
“I did and you got nothing to worry about.”
“What lie did you give her? We need to be telling the same story.”
“It wasn’t exactly a lie, more like my version of the truth. I told Colleen that I won five hundred pounds sterling, forgot the ticket in Sean’s suit and was clear about why I didn’t want to say anything. I gave her twenty-five pounds and told her to shut up about it. If she said anything I would tell that dirty bastard husband of hers I gave her a hundred pounds. He would be looking for his half and she isn’t about to give him fifty pounds when she only got the twenty-five.”
“The way we look out each other in the family warms me heart Connor.”
“That much is true,” and we both laughed.
“So she knows I wasn’t there to steal her underwear?”
“No, I told Colleen that stealing her knickers was your idea and I always figured you for being a peeping-tom.”
“You did not you dirty bastard?
“I did, so I have something to blackmail you with. You’re not always so willing to help me when I need it Packy.”
“The saint’s be praised with the shenanigans you get involved with its no wonder.”
Packy and I drank well in to the evening and got assified as they say in County Cork. We both decided that we would take some of our Lottery money and first thing in the morning go spend it in the big city, Dublin. It had been some time since we had been there and looked forward to the adventure.
We arrived in Dublin late afternoon and decided to have a bit of supper. We found a public parking lot with a nice pub right on the corner; it was going to be a lucky night. We ordered dinner, Packy picked up a local newspaper someone had left on the table and checked the entertainment section.
“You see anything interesting Packy?”
“There are a lot of things to do here. It depends on what you are looking for and how much you want to spend. Oh yeah,” Packy said and started laughing.
“What are you giggling about?”
“There is an establishment two blocks from here called ‘The Tropical Island’ Conner. They offer sensual massages by beautiful island girls with coconut oil for fifteen pounds and it says all their services are legal.”
“Are you suggesting we get a sensual massage?”
“I am highly recommending it. When in Dublin……..”
We finished dinner and decided to visit The Tropical Island. “Here is the plan Packy, we only bring enough money for the massage and lock the rest of our money and wallets in the trunk of the car.”
“Excellent idea, play it safe.”
It only took us a few minutes to walk to the Tropical Island. From the outside it looked like a nice place. We walked in and were greeted by the most beautiful Asian women we had ever seen.
“Can I help you gentlemen?”
I responded, “Yes my friend and I are interested in getting a sensual massage with coconut oil.”
“Very good, it is fifteen pounds each and if you want anything extra you have to negotiate the price with the woman doing your massage.”
We both gave the hostess our money and looked at each other, extras?
We went in a room and an older woman said, “Remove all your clothes except your shoes and use the big white towel to cover up.”
Then two beautiful Asian women took us down another hallway to separate rooms. My young lady said her name was Kalia and told me to lay face down on the massage table and removed my towel. Kalia slowly poured coconut oil on me and began massaging my back.
This went on for a few minutes and then al of a sudden I heard loud noises, shouting and whistles blowing. Kalia looked into the hallway and then turned around, picked up her purse and ran out of the room.
I got up fast, put the towel around me and started yell. “Packy, Packy, where are you?”
Packy was two rooms down from me and we met in the hallway, “Connor we have to get out of here now!”
“What’s this all about?”
By now Packy was really excited, “I just looked out the window. There are a lot of police in front of the building.”
“I thought you said all their services were legal?”
“It must be the ‘extras’ Connor. My god if we get arrested in here…….the wife will shoot me. There will be no explaining this away no matter what blarney you tell. We have to leave now!”
“How do we get out of here……and where are our clothes Packy?”
“I saw my girl and the others run down that hallway. We don’t have time to find our clothes.”
Packy and I only had on our shoes and the towel they gave us. We followed the girls down a hallway that connected to the building next door. There was an emergency exit with a fire escape down to a parking lot. We ran across the street, down an alley and hid behind a dumpster.
“What are we going to do now Connor?”
“I am not sure; give me a minute to think. We have to find some clothes and get back to the car. I put the car key in my shoe so at least we have that. “
We went down to the end of the alley and looked around. Right across the street from the alley was the back entrance to a hospital.
“Let’s go in to the hospital and see if we can find some clothes or something to wear Packy.” At this point we were desperate semi-naked men on the run.
It was dark by now and we ran across the street, entered the hospital through the delivery entrance. We looked down the hallway and I saw door that said locker room.
We went in to the locker room and saw some clothes hanging up. Packy checked the clothes while I watched the hallway. “Connor, this is the women’s locker room.”
“What else can happen? We don’t have a choice; find something that will fit you.”
Packy is shorter than me and thinner so he found a nurse’s uniform that fit him. I told him to put the nurse’s cap on so we could blend in. The only thing I could find was a doctor’s lab coat, at least we found something.
We left the hospital the same way we came in and started walking down the street toward where the car was parked. It was dark and we didn’t have far to go. Unfortunately, we didn’t see the police car parked across the street.
The police officer looked over at us as we walked by. “Trevor, what’s wrong with this picture?”
“I’m never going to get this report done if you keep bothering me Charles. So what, it’s a nurse and some doctor that just got off from work.”
“Well, as we were trained to do in the police academy I paid attention to detail when they walked under the street light.”
“Good job and what were your findings Sherlock Holmes?”
“The nurse has a rather a large mustache and the doctor didn’t appear to be wearing any pants.”
Charles now had the senior officer’s attention, “What’s that you say? Oh lord, it’s going to be one of those nights. Come on then, I can’t wait to hear this one.”
The police car turned about and parked at the curb a little ahead of us. Both officers got out and were standing on the sidewalk. The older officer said, “I would like a word with you two,” and motioned us to walk over to them. We stopped directly in front of them
“”You are familiar with standard police procedures when stopping someone for questioning?”
“Yes sir, I am.”
“Due to the fact that the ‘nurse’ isn’t carrying a purse and the ‘doctor’ isn’t wearing any pants or shirt under his lab coat is there any point in asking these ‘gentlemen’ for identification?”
“Do you think it is necessary to search them for concealed items?”
I had already told Packy to let me do the talking, “Officer I know this must look rather odd.”
“What’s that you said? Odd is it? I have been a policeman for twenty years and I wouldn’t even try and guess what the both of you are up to.”
The younger officer was standing closer to us now and asked, “Is that coconuts I smell?”
“That was very observant Charles or rather Holmes. Your elementary deduction has solved the crime.”
“It has?” Charles said with great enthusiasm.
“Yes, it has. Let’s not get off on the wrong foot. We don’t even know your names.”
“I’m Connor and this is my cousin Packy. We are here for the weekend from County Cork.”
“Langers are you; now that we have the pleasantries out of the way let me give you my theory. There is only one place in this sector that you could come out smelling of coconuts, the Tropical Island, an establishment that was raided this evening for violating numerous laws. The both of you were patronizing said establishment when it was raided and ran out of the building with just your shoes on.”
Packy spoke up, “We had towels on officer.”
“Oh, well then that makes all the difference doesn’t it? You contracted for illegal services, escaped a police roundup and then unlawfully entered a hospital to steal clothing.”
“It does sound a bit sorted when you say it like that officer, I said. All we paid for was a massage, which is legal. When the police came we ran out, trying to explain things to the wives would be hopeless. We have a change of clothes in the car and intended to bring the hospital uniforms back when we were properly dressed.”
“Do you have identification in your car?”
“Yes, we both do.”
“Fair enough, we will give you a ride to your car and if you have proper identification we will send you lads on your way……..that is if you do something for me.”
I couldn’t imagine what the officer would want us to do but we were in no position to quibble, I looked at Packy and he just shrugged his shoulders and nodded yes. “Packy and I will assist you in any way we can.”
With that Trevor said, “Charles get the camera from the trunk of the car and take a picture of me and the lads. The boys back at the station will never believe this one without evidence,” and began laughing. You’ll be up on our wall of fame at the station.”
So there you have it, the officers dropped us off at the car and sent us on our way as promised. They even took back the nurse’s uniform and lab coat. Our picture now has a place of honor at station 12, northwest sector of Dublin Police.