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Author Name: FreeTheMindMaker 4 Comments
Date Added: December 22, 2008 14:12:06 Average Score: (Needs 2)
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Type: Unspecified
Category: Love Add To Favorites | Formatted Version
 
Our World
"Our World"   There is a place within my mind Where bliss and joy are all I find. A paradise that's meant for two: This is the place I share with you.   For when you place your hand in mine We're in a world that we design. A place where we can always be, Where I have you and you have me.   Where daylight fades to end our day So we can lie and drift away. So we can sleep, still hand in hand, Where time stands still: Our Neverland.   Where morning makes my dreams come true: For dawn reveals I'm still with you. Our perfect sun, our perfect sky, Our perfect world, just you and I.
Author's Notes:
This is something I wrote for my girlfriend for Christmas, so I'm trying to get some last minute critiques to make it the best I can.  It can get kind of cliche at points, but she likes that kind of stuff, so I left it in.  Plus this was a last minute idea so unfortunately it's not getting as much work as I would like to give it.  Please let me know what you think and if you think I can make it better somehow.  Thanks everyone!
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Comments:
Comment By: FreeJennifer on December 23, 2008 12:56:53 AM Report
I think this is sweet.I love how it reads. It is a smooth poem that has a special meaning!
jen

Comment By: FreeJessica Ruth Myr on December 22, 2008 07:00:24 PM Report
I think this is beautiful and sweet.  The meter is simple and flows well, and the imagery isn't trite at all.  Keeping the punctuation simple is a good idea, I think, so that it doesn't seem cluttered by artificial phrasing.  I would say it's fine as it is.

Comment By: FreeS on December 22, 2008 06:42:02 PM Report
good stuff
its all sweet and stuff - girls do love that

i would say get rid of all the puntuation at the end of the lines
there are natural breaks there you dont need the commas or semi doodles

peace shoaib

Comment By: PremiumDavid Turner on December 22, 2008 06:13:45 PM Report
OK Bobby - I thought this was a very touching love poem - Rhyme and meter seem fine to me. There are one or two laces where you might polish a little - mostly I thouht uou could make the punctuation less end stopped so that it flows more smoothly:-

 

"Our World"

 

There is a place within my mind

Where bliss and joy are all I find,

A paradise that's meant for two -

This is the place I share with you.

 

For when you place your hand in mine

We're in a world that we design;

A place where we can always be,

Where I have you and you have me;

 

Where daylight fades to end our day

So we can lie and drift away;

So Where we can sleep, still hand in hand,

Where time stands still - Our Neverland.

 

Where There morning makes my dreams come true,

For dawn reveals I'm still with you -

Our perfect sun, our perfect sky,

Our perfect world, just you and I.

 

Either way  Iam sure she will love it!

 

 

David






 


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