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Author Name: FreeTheMindMaker 11 Comments
Date Added: October 05, 2008 20:10:36 Average Score: (Needs 2)
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Category: Broken Hearts Add To Favorites | Text Only
 
Senses Fail
Senses Fail

When blinded eyes no longer see
That beauty endless as the sea...
Her faint façade has fractured me
And set my bliss-bound vision free.
I wish to see her smile no more.

When deafened ears no longer hear
The tender songs of yester-year...
Those melodies I held so near
Will never birth another tear.
I wish to hear her voice no more.

When broken hands no longer hold
Her fingers wrapped in rings of gold...
Forgive me if I am too bold
To say her touch has grown so cold.
I wish to hold her hand no more.

When muted tongues no longer speak
Of love that lingers past its peak...
My timid heart will not live weak
From kisses feigned upon my cheek.
I wish to speak with her no more.

For bloodied knees no longer kneel,
And callous wounds no longer heal,
And broken hearts no longer feel,
When senses fail, no longer real.
I wish to be with her no more.
Author's Notes:
Don't really have too much to say about this one. Sometimes things just aren't what they appear to be.

Critiquing and comments as always are welcomed and encouraged. Thanks everyone, hope you like it!
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Comments:
Comment By: PremiumJMK on December 23, 2008 11:13:22 AM Report
I love the fluidity of the piece and the repetition of 'I wish to...her no more'.  The repetition definitely hammers home your stance...but it's completely supported with the lines of each stanza...and just so you know...broken hearts do heal.  I wish you the best.
Comment By: FreeJessica on October 25, 2008 07:41:22 PM Report
I think this was wonderfully done and the award well desevered. Congrats!
Comment By: PremiumRaymond Pinsonneault on October 20, 2008 01:57:11 PM Report
Loved it...the perfect formula for healing a divorce or a parting..and so true.
Great rhymes and balance, wording and rhythm..CONGRATULATIONS

Comment By: FreeLady Dragonwyck on October 20, 2008 09:25:42 AM Report
Bobby:  congratulations on the Feature Poem Award for this excellent write.   Keep up the good work.

 

Lady Dragonwyck

Comment By: FreeAdri on October 20, 2008 06:18:06 AM Report
Congratulations on the award! 
Adri x

Comment By: PremiumDavid Turner on October 17, 2008 08:18:53 PM Report
As Alison said the rythym and rhyme are beautifully executed here and the  overall construction of the poem is very well thought out. It's theme may be very dark but it was a pleasure to to read.

 

David

Comment By: FreeAlison Storm Wolf on October 8, 2008 04:16:34 PM Report
I love to read a well constucted rhyming poem that has not prostituted meaning or metre to become stunted but sails along as a song to the mind.

lovely Ali x

Comment By: PremiumDavid Turner on October 7, 2008 04:25:31 AM Report
Ah  - La Belle Dame Sans Merci - very powerful even if she is a figment of your imagination.

 

Although this reads clearly enough I would still like to see the punctuation in. It is a guide to the reader and I think it enhances the first imperession and highlights the meaning if the reader is not being asked to do the extra work of extracting the meaning of each sentence from its context.

Well having made my point 3 times now I will desist from further comment on that topic:-)

 

 

Warm Wishes

 

David

Comment By: FreeWide Awake on October 6, 2008 04:37:01 PM Report
BRILLIANT POEM!

A most excelent penning!

The rhyming was exquisite...the substance was deep felt and tangible.

A favorite poem for me--

Hugs,
Pamela

Comment By: FreeBarbara Demasson on October 6, 2008 12:02:41 AM Report
OUCH!!! Your senses are finely tuned...or is that finally tuned? I like the voice of this poem, it is one of absolute certainty - no doubt here and no changing your mind. I hear yah though...when love dies a heart no longer feels. Very direct - sure to hit the mark Bobby!

 

~Barbara~ 

Comment By: FreeShe Whispers on October 5, 2008 09:35:27 PM Report
WE ...all have our pain!! excellant poem
~ She Whispers
For bloodied knees no longer kneel
And callous wounds no longer heal
And broken hearts no longer feel
When senses fail, no longer real
I wish to be with her no more




 


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