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Author Name: Freevictor69 9 Comments
Date Added: February 20, 2008 16:02:57 Average Score: (Needs 2)
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Killing myself to hear the night

As I flick my cigarette into the darkness

I watch the smoke trail with interest

Floating on the wind until it dies a natural death

 

My life seems to follow the smoke trail

Pushed this way and that by an unseen breeze

Although not quite ready to wither and die

 

I peer into the blackness

Knowing where every stone is in my garden

And where the steps come to an end

 

I watch the neighbour’s cat saunter past

Casting a mighty shadow, even in the dark

A bird or a mouse won’t see out this night

 

It graces me a sideways glance

And we have one of our conversations using only our eyes

We part on good terms, and go our separate ways

 

As I reach for the door handle

The noises of living come rushing to my ears

Drowning out the noises of life

Author's Notes:

Thank you David for the enhancements.

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Comments:
Comment By: PremiumDavid Turner on February 29, 2008 06:34:50 PM Report
This is carefully built up into a very  atmospheric piece John. The first two verses set the atmosphere brilliantly, and the last verse strikes  home hard and  really implies so much - the change of atmosphere from garden cold and freshness and  solitude to the warmth and bustle and issues waiting inside, wife and children and chores. GReat Title.

 

I was thinking that some of this could be strengthened - I felt that you used unnecessary pronouns in some places, though you may not agree:-

 

As I flick my cigarette into the darkness


I watch the smoke trail with interest


Floating  on the wind until it dies a natural death

 

and

 

I peer into the blackness  (pear was a typo)


Knowing where every stone is in my garden


And where  the steps come to an end  (steps end in space not in time)

 

 and

 


I watch the neighbour’s cat saunter past


Casting a mighty shadow, even in the dark


A bird or a mouse won’t see out this night


 


Comment By: FreeJames Thomas Whitworth on February 26, 2008 06:35:11 AM Report
Another great title and thoughtful ending, John - the contrast of living and life is quite deft. It reminded me of your 'The View from the Corner of My Eye' and its monochrome existence blinding you to the colour of life. The irony of the smoke dying a natural death is another neat touch. Your use of 'graces' is also particularly well-placed - cats being of a superior, almost haughty nature. Love that title though.

Comment By: PremiumJoe McNinney on February 25, 2008 06:20:09 AM Report
Nicely done here John. This is deeper than expected, Joe
Comment By: PremiumMelanie on February 21, 2008 03:31:14 PM Report
You have taken an ordinary experience and have turned it into something extraordinary. The concept and the writing are both excellent. I too, smoke....again..... after 25 yrs. of abstinence. And I do it any place I can, where it is legal or permitted. It's a wonder that this keyboard still works. I'm sure that it's filled with ashes.
Comment By: FreeAlison Storm Wolf on February 21, 2008 03:16:46 PM Report
Love the unspoken communication with the cat and the sudden return to the noise oft he house.

Yessir you are going from strength to strength

 

Stormy

 

x

Comment By: FreeGlata on February 21, 2008 07:38:37 AM Report
Thoughtful write here, Brother mine...very well done!

I'm glad, though, that I  stopped smoking MANY years ago...but I occasionally step outside at night just to hear the world around me.

Beautiful work.....

Hugs!

Glata

Comment By: FreeAdri on February 21, 2008 02:24:27 AM Report
Oh I know the feeling.  I try not to smoke in my new house, and go outside... And you are right, you reflect and SEE everything. It is a filthy (pardon the pun) habit, but I enjoy it.  Good write.  You know of course, your writing is brilliant.  It has always been good, but these days, you are on top!! 
Adri x

Comment By: FreeLeonard Wilson on February 20, 2008 05:03:53 PM Report
Daft or not, yer still my bro..As a matter of fact, daft people are the only ones who like me...Smoking is GOOD!! People who live heathy lives wind up dying of nothing...I really liked the way you put your thoughts together, here...len
Comment By: FreeA.P. on February 20, 2008 04:42:36 PM Report
i like how you've wielded this out of seemingly everyday inspiration...it goes much deeper than that, i like the contrast of indoor/outdoor; noises of life/darkness of death....
nice writing





 


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