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Author Name: Freetsiamis 5 Comments
Date Added: January 14, 2008 09:01:15 Average Score: (Needs 2)
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Empire of Ruin
I built an empire for her and watched in disbelief her mutiny take hold. She kissed tenderly lips not mine and tossed a coin to us a stupid game of chance wagering everything I built and we once stood proud in. The silver streets were dyed with golden light, not lamps from the night before Golden fire scattered like corn to the streets we must of looked like a solitary burning star fallen to the dark earth.   In the morning I survey the smoky ruin and my smile rises with the soot into oblivion And I remember building a path to this heap of ash Each stone I laid with striving hands And never did she accompany me to the quarry, or whip the ox to pull a cart, or carry me home when the ruthless day conquered me, No, she just stood there under her giant oafish hat and watched in amusement, Shielded from the sun she was as cool as autumn breeze, I as hot as desert sand And nothing in-between. This morning as I saw her blackened back disappearing into the distance I sat down on this empire of hot rubble and played a game of chance A toss of a coin to the still wind.
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Comments:
Comment By: FreeBarbara Demasson on January 15, 2008 10:12:33 PM Report
Love the changes Tim! =)) I look forward to more of your fine work.

 

~Barbara~

Comment By: FreeFilthy on January 15, 2008 05:11:49 PM Report
I'm glad i stumbled on this. Exceptional write mate, and off to my faves.
Comment By: FreeShe Whispers on January 14, 2008 11:37:17 PM Report
Wow...I just am blown away...  your really very good at this type of poem.... you say so much....
~ She Whispers

Comment By: FreeBarbara Demasson on January 14, 2008 09:36:48 PM Report
Fabulous Tim! The second stanza was especially brilliant. I questioned the opening line being the same as the title. I decided if I had to choose between the two it would be the title that I'd change. (Consider: "Empire of Ruin")

 

I really LOVE the first two lines of the second stanza! I can envision the smile going up with the ash...how true of happiness in circumstances like this.

 

"self-inflicted annihilation"...ahh, is it really? Seems her character is certainly less than admirable, she wasn't in it from the foundation up. It seems she bears the guilt of inflicting ruination of the relationship. I'd be happy to see her blackened back as she walked away. I suspect if you looked deep enough you would see her hear was charred from the beginning. This is likely a creative piece that isn't based on your life at all and here I am going on about it. =)) (Forgive me)

 

The use of the coin was clever and I appreciate that you used it to unify the two stanzas. The way you have used it has spoken volumes in both stanzas. You have pulled the poem together wonderfully.

 

Be careful of use of person here, you have used "you" in the first stanza and "she" in the second. Choose one or the other.

 

Your talent shines here Tim...as always. Reading your work is a pleasure. Fine penning! The quality of your work surpasses most of the many here. BRAVO!

 

~Barbara~

Comment By: FreeShruti on January 14, 2008 09:45:48 AM Report
One of your best. I'm too zapped to say much (exam time does that I think), but you should know this has a dismissive profound ease about it that most poems only strive to get.




 


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