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Author Name: Freefanofjims 7 Comments
Date Added: February 24, 2007 08:02:48 Average Score: (Needs 2)
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Category: Dedications Add To Favorites | Text Only
No Turning Back~6

No Turning Back

Dedicated to Bill & Brett


I want to die and can not explain why

I'd break down but who would care if I cry

My life hurts more than a thousand bee stings

So I can't leave the ground with broken wings

What if time can't heal the way that I feel

While I hide these things that I can't reveal

Because even when I scream nobody listens

Then a rusty bladed knife begins to glisten

As I climb this mountain with such a steep slope

My lifeís like a rope that keeps stealing my hope

Iím feeling like the only way I won't remain alone

Is hearing thoughts buried under my headstone

See Iíve never felt the worth of my own birth

So please place my carcass in dirt of the earth

For I have nothing left to break all this pain

So I'll pull the trigger and explode my brain


So would you pray for me if this comes to be
Or believe this was my prewritten destiny
For once I close my eyes and the world turns black

Iím at the point of no return there's no turning back

Author's Notes:
This piece is dedicated to my friend Bill who committed suicide
on Nov 18, 1993 and to Brett Bradshaw who ended his life 3 years ago-
May you both have found the peace you could not find here-
And to any of you who knows of someone who has said more than
a couple of times that they wish they could just die-
For the worst question you will ask yourself for the reast of your life is-
What If~
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'No Turning Back~6' Copyright © James Lagoski
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Comment By: FreeWith pain comes strength on October 16, 2007 08:29:34 AM Report
Wow! What can i say, what a write, excellent, sad and moving.

Brilliantly written


Comment By: FreeSilkinTears on March 13, 2007 07:44:17 PM Report
James this is a touchingly painful dedication. Not everyone reaches out before they commit suicide. My husbands business partner committed cuicide. My husband and I found him hanging in his basment. When I was a child I experienced the loss of my father's best friend to suicide. He left a wife and 7 children behind. My husbands cousin shot himself at the tender age of 21 and just before my son entered rehab he spoke to me about ending his life. I am always there to listen but sometimes we are not aware because they chose to die without reaching out for help. Bless you for this write.

Comment By: FreeH. Louise on March 13, 2007 08:43:37 AM Report
I'm truly sorry about your friends Bill and Brett - I pray that they've found inner peace and happiness in higher realms. I know no-one who has killed themselves. My friend was once on the borderline of ending it but I sat with her through the night and helped her through. Most people said she was just attention seeking but I honestly think she would have done it if she had no-one there to talk to. My friends all think that suicide is for "cheaters" and people who are "pathetic", but I don't agree. People have reasons for doing what they do - we should celebrate a life lived and not a life lost.  I remember once when I went to church there was a medium there and she said to a girl sitting at the front, "Your friend wants you to know that she is ok now and this was the only way she could have been free. She has left the darkness with an understanding of what happened. She wants you to know that she still watches over you and does not want you to cry anymore. She's free." I remember hearing that and feeling like I wanted to cry. It remind me very much of a music video called "Hold on" by Good Charlotte. Even if you don't like the music, it's worth checking out for the video. As you can probably guess, it's based on trying to help people who are thinking of suicide, and half way through the video you hear people tell their stories about losing a family member/friend to suicide. It definately moves you - in fact, it inspired me to write my latest poem.
Sorry about the long comment, but your poem really means alot to me.

All the best,

Comment By: FreeLeonard Wilson on February 25, 2007 06:49:09 PM Report
In my opinion, there are good suicides and tragic ones. If a person is terminally ill and in constant pain, I would hand them the gun  with which to end the suffering. It's beyond tragic when someone has a falling-out with a lover  or something like that and end his or her life over a matter which would only be an amusing memory iin ten years. Long-lasting deep depression with no apparent cause can lead down that path, but there are medicines to deal with that.I've considered suicide, but a good friend informed me there was no future in it...:O)..len
Comment By: FreeFLETCHER on February 25, 2007 12:30:47 PM Report
Permanent solutions revealing no answers
What if is just like I should!
Stop shoulding on yourself

Your are in my prayers friend!

This is another proof of your brilliance as an author.


Comment By: FreeBarbara Demasson on February 24, 2007 11:54:31 PM Report
Dear James,

I hear you, so loud and clear, I feel this poem to my core. I sympathize with both of your friends suffer in a darkness that won't give them a moment of joy. I've recently lost someone dear to suicide too. It was incredibly hard to deal with, I still haven't got it all sorted. I have worked past the shock and the anger but the pain remains. I think more of his suffering now and less of ours. (the people left to grieve) I feel guilty for my anger because now, looking at it from a distance, I can see how selfish it is to want them to stay...when they clearly cannot cope any longer. I grieve for the vacancy he left in our lives, a spot that was reserved exclusively for him. Oh I listen James...I listen with my heart because suicide is on the rise and a loved one can be with you one day and gone the fast and without any clue...the same as Justin.


Thank you for sharing this viewpoint of utter despair. I really understand the pain they feel thta drives them to this desperate act and the pain we feel when we lost them. *hugz between friends*


As for asking "what if"...I ask it. I had no idea of his intentions and I wonder "what if" he had reached out. "what if" he changed his mind but couldn't stop that moment. These words are salt in a very raw wound.


I'm deeply touched by this post James. Thank you for sharing.



Comment By: FreeGlata on February 24, 2007 10:55:30 AM Report
James, this is such a touching dedication to those that meant so much to you. It's hard to understand sometimes what can get so heavy in life that it would drive someone to take their own life, but then, I've experienced things of late that have made me feel a little more understanding of their plight. No, I'm not even close  to considering that permanent a solution, but when the burdens of life seem so high that you can't see the top, it would be very tempting at times.

This is a very good write...very expressive of the pain that must have been suffered by those that you cared so much about. It is so important to pay attention to more than just the words that people say. Sometimes it means having to look underneath to the truth of their hearts.

I know you still suffer the pain of their passing and I am sorry for your loss.

Hugs and love to you...

Your sister from NC



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